I’m going to meet my girlfriend for a drink tomorrow night. We haven’t seen each other for the best part of a week, during which time I’ve been wracking my brains about what we can do to stay together – how I can give her faith that I have the confidence to deal with life as an adult and have some vague idea of a future for myself. So far, I’m fucking struggling.
I might as well admit this to myself now: I’m going to meet my girlfriend for a drink tomorrow night to decide whether we’ll still be boyfriend and girlfriend after that drink. If nowt else, in some sick kind of way, this week I’ve felt like I’ve actually coped with a situation I expected would see me dissolve into a bigger car crash that a marriage twixt Doherty and Winehouse with some degree of dignity. I think I’ve gone so far into panic that I’ve actually entered into a peculiar Zen-like state.
I’m not fucking kidding myself though: it’s the eye of the storm isn’t it? Two things my girlfriend said last time I saw her have preyed on my mind ever since. The first is a glimmer of hope – “you’re not getting rid of me that easily” – the second a shower of shit that snuffs it right out – “unless you’re struck by lightning, how are things going to change?”
Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK. I’m sitting here waiting for lightning to strike. Waiting for the answer. Waiting for someone or something to tell me how I’m going to keep hold of the person I love most on the planet, because I haven’t got a fucking clue. I know that no one else can tell me, so fuck knows what I’m hoping to happen.
The only thing I feel we’ve got going for us is the fact that, whatever the reason, I’ve coped this week. More than that, I’ve just got on with my life. I think more than anything this is what she, and I, wants to see. It could be what saves us. But it could also be a sign that I know we’re boned and survival instinct has kicked in. I just don’t know.
Even as I write this I feel as if I can’t even contemplate how I’ll feel if it is over, or how she’ll feel. It’s almost like it’s so big that I can’t see it, like Matt Bellamy from Muse camping in that dude from Fucked Up’s belly button. I’m just looking forward to seeing her tomorrow like a fucking idiot! We love each other so much that it’s hard to believe this is happening. But it is, so I guess it’s time for me to try and be a man and find a way to deal with it, whatever happens.
