I don’t know what the fuck to write. I’ve spent the last four weeks feeling sure that the Break would be the making of the relationship I have with my girlfriend, yet as I type I’ve never been so fucking scared that it’s fucked.
I completely fucked up us seeing each other again. Completely. Firstly because I needed to head to the doctor’s after arranging to meet her because a (now seemingly fictitious) kidney infection seemed to be launching itself upon me, secondly because I woke up on New Year’s Day unable to see out of my left eye, freaked out, and practically invited myself over to her gaff.
Ordinarily these are, of course, two isolated and unfortunate incidents. To my girlfriend they are the kind of shit she has had to put up with for the best part of three and a half years. They are, in her mind, a sign that I want to be looked after. And looking after me is what she feels she’s been obligated to do for the last two years at least.
And having to look after me is what makes her feel I’m unable to function independently as an adult, to cope with everyday life and make plans for the future. This is why she feels unable to commit to our relationship. And it’s exactly what I feel I’ve shown her over the last five days.
Where we go from here I have no fucking idea. We spent the last 48 hours talking about it to the point where we had nothing else to say, and now we’re not even talking to each other. Carry on as we are now and hope I can give her enough confidence that I can get my act together? Keep the Break going for six months? Break up and leave the door open for us to get back together even though I’d want to rip the cock off any toss bucket who went near her? Fuck knows. I feel like I’ve fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me.
